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My Funny Kids 3

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With all the activity and demands on my schedule this week I thought I would continue the “What’s It Worth” series Monday.  In the meantime I thought you could do with a healthy dose of my reality.  Not to worry, thanks to God and my family, my reality tends to be laced with humorous events.  I hope you enjoy.  Check back in on Monday for the continuation of the “What’s It Worth” series.

 

McAuley: “You. You. You. You have broken the chains, broken the chains.” He was on the toilet yelling this at the top of his lungs.  Not too sure if I should have been worried.

 

McAuley: “It feels like a campfire on my bum.” This statement happened at a different time and has no connection to the last quote.  I just wanted to make sure I clarified that. 

 

Zayne: I don’t ever really have too much on my mind. I’m usually just thinking about being a princess & princess things.

 

Zayne: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Most of the time I love you. Would you stay for an hour or two?”  This was a poem I overheard as I was walking past her bedroom.

 

Zayne: “Let’s get out of here! We need to fly the kook.” I am sure she meant coop and not some crazy person.

 

Zayne: “Do princesses burp?”

 

McAuley: “I have got some bad news for you. Bees sting you when they are happy.”

 

McAuley: “Dad, I have VISIBLE friends.“

Me: “Thank God for that.”

 

McAuley: “When I am 99 will I be an adult? When I am 200 will I be a grandpa?”

Me: “I sure hope so!”

 

McAuley: “Deliver him from SLUGS God.” We were praying for someone to be delivered from an addiction to drugs. I don’t think McAuley understood, but God did.  I like to think this guy now has an amazing garden as well as a new found freedom from drugs.

 

Uproar Is Over

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Well, Uproar is finally over, and by all accounts it was a success.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with Uproar, it is our summer children’s outreach program.  Every year we  put on a camp for the children in our community, and we try to jam as much fun and Word into it as humanly possible.  It is probably the most taxing, and rewarding week in our local assembly’s schedule, and I get to be a part of it.

Typically I work with the more mature sect in our church.  However, due to my past years of experience in children’s ministry, I guess I have acquired a set of “skills” which have made me of some use.  In particular I have learned my way around a puppet.  Yes, I said puppet.  You would think as modern and relevant as the church attempts to be there would be very little demand for the Old School arts, but the kids absolutely love it.

Since it is very unlikely that any of the children I work with would be reading this, I feel safe in revealing a secret.  I am Goober.  It feels good to finally admit it.  Not too sure who or what a Goober is?  Well, Goober is a recurring character I do.  He is a purple monster who happens to have a penchant for saying all the wrong things, and for “Pull My Finger” jokes.  Basically he is the kind of monster you like the hang out with, but you may not want to introduce him to your grandmother.  The kids absolutely love him.

Typically when Goober makes an appearance the question of the puppeteers identity inevitably comes up.  Most adults are surprised to find out it is me.  His voice and character are so far removed from mine they never put the two of us together.  The kids are always left wondering.  However, this year one child got pretty close to the truth.  I overheard her talking with a counselor saying, “I think Mr. Tucker is Goober.  I just don’t know how he gets into that small costume.”  Close, but no cigar.  I guess the mystery lives on.

 

– Now that Uproar is over I can actually start posting more meaningful stuff.

My Funny Kids 2

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With Uproar quickly approaching I figured I would simply share some more golden nuggets from my children.  I believe most of these took place when they were between the ages of 5 and 6.  My kids really do crack me up.  Be sure to check back later this week for something a little more meaty.  Until then, enjoy the frivolity.

 

McAuley: “KISS MY BUM MOMMY!!! I HAVE AN OWIE!!” – Subsequently  Zayne volunteered to kiss it all better.

 

Zayne: “Mommy, did you eat me when I was in your tummy?”

 

Conversation with an older gentleman at the grocery store checkout

Zayne: “Hi. We’re twins.”

Man: “WOW!! You are lucky!”

Zayne: “Yes, we are.”

McAuley: “I have eyes, nose and a mouth!”

Man: “You do?”

Zayne: “Yes, because that’s just the way God made us.  So…do you have any grandchildren?”

Man: “Yes I do. I even have great grandchildren.”

Zayne: “Oh, where do they live?”

Man: “They live in Hamilton.” (Man’s wife walks up)

Zayne: “Oh, is that your Grandma?”

 

Me: “You are so melodramatic.”

McAuley: (Sobbing) “No I am not!”

Me: “Do you even know what that means?”

McAuley: “No.”

 

McAuley:  “Look, it’s Noah!”

Zayne:   “No, McAuley his name is not NOAH, it’s SANTA CLOSET.  Okay?  SANTA CLOSET, McAuley, not Noah.”  For some strange reason McAuley insisted that Santa’s name was Noah, but Zayne figured she knew best and called him Mr. Closet.  

 

McAuley: “Do U know Moses with his colourful coat?”

Zayne: “That wasn’t Moses, that was David.”

 

I came home to find that McAuley had made, and posted, a couple signs for the house.  One read, “No Running in the House” and the other “No Touching Bone People“. Fine rules, but I don’t know why we shouldn’t touch bone people.

 

McAuley: “I pray that the church has Jesus in its heart”. Pretty good prayer. I think he has something there.

 

I was walking upstairs when I heard this conversation coming from the twins room.  It really highlights the differences in male and female thinking.

Zayne: “Yes, you Do look handsome, and I look FANTASTIC!”

McAuley: “I didn’t ask if I looked handsome, I asked if you had pants on!”

 

My Funny Kids

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My wife and I have been blessed with three wonderful children.  I absolutely love being a father, but that does not mean that the job does not come with its challenges.  Nor does it mean that you don’t have days you wish you could pack them up and ship them back for a refund. Come on, I brought them into this world why can’t I take them out? However, even on the very worst possible of days, if you were to make a list of the pros and cons, the pros would most definitely eclipse the cons.

One of the many pros (besides the tax benefits) is they make you laugh. Seriously, my kids are hilarious without even trying. They say and do some of the funniest things. They would put the Marx Brothers to shame. I am not too sure where they get it, because it sure didn’t come from me. Just ask my mom, I was a perfect child. I blame my wife, and for that I thank her.

I have taken the liberty of collecting some of the funny things they say, and I have decided to share them with you. However, if I were to include everything funny they said or did this post would be, to say the least, unmanageable. Therefore, I will break it up into a series of posts, and from time to time I will graciously grant you a glimpse into the wacky world I inhabit. I will try my best to share them in chronological order so that you can see the evolution of their humor and their thought processes. Welcome to my world.

 

McAuley: “I did the Big Dirty.”  In reference to his bowel movement.

 

McAuley: “I am coming. Coming like Christmas.”

 

Zayne: “Sometimes accidents happen. And so does ice cream.”  So true.

 

Zayne: After looking in her piggybank, “I have tons of these! What are they?”

Mom: “Those are Loonies.” (Loony = what Canadians call their $1 coin)

Zayne: “Are they special?”

Mom: “Yes!”

Zayne: “Wow!”

 

McAuley: “I know I am hungry, my leg hurts.”  ???

 

McAuley: “My lips hurt.  Can I have some Lap Chip?” I am fairly sure he meant Lip Chap.  Unless he was hungry for chips, because as previously noted different parts of his body hurt when he is hungry.

 

Zayne: “Remember when we were caught in that snow storm? It was either in Toronto or Saskatoon, I always get the two confused.”   Yeah, I tend to confuse the two as well.

 

McAuley:  “Dad, I found some food on the floor. I gave it to Rowan after I picked the hair off of it.”  Don’t worry, Rowan survived the incident.

 

Zayne: “I love this game.”

Me: “You don’t love it, you like it.”

McAuley: “That’s right. We love things like God, the Bible, and my hair.”

 

McAuley:  “Hey dad, I never saw these before. They must have just grew here.”   He was standing before me shirtless and was pointing at his nipples, which he had apparently just discovered.  I can’t believe it took him five years.

 

Zayne:  “I know how to stay alive.  Keep breathing, keep your eyes open, and keep moving.”  Pretty good advice for a five year old.

 

McAuley:  The kids are upstairs playing with my niece when McAuley runs down, “Sniff… Sniff…The girls want to rule the world. I just want to be the prettiest.”

 

To Be Continued

 

Disproportionate Trust

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I always find it interesting how God chooses, or more specifically the time he chooses, to deal with me on the issues in my life.  Let me give you a current example.  This past Sunday morning I woke around 4 am with the overwhelming sense that I needed to repent.  You are probably wondering what exactly I felt I needed to repent of.  Well, I was hit with the realization that I have been functioning, leaning upon, and trusting in my own abilities more than I have been in God’s.  This reality was both shocking and sobering.

Now before you get all pious and holier than thou, try and remind yourself we are all in the same boat floating down the same stream.  Human nature being what it is, left to our own devices, we will inevitably begin relying on our own abilities rather than on God’s ability.  Think about it, we do it all the time.  When we find ourselves confronted with a new and unfamiliar situation we quickly look to God for guidance.  Oh, we are quick to pray, and quick to search out his will in the Word.  We become praying machines.  However, given time and familiarity we slowly begin to get comfortable and simply run on reflex.  We know the routine, and we know exactly what needs to be done.  Been there, done that, excuse me while I take care of business.  Gradually we begin to rely less on God and more on our experience, talents, and expertise.  Starting to sound a little bit familiar?

Ultimately what this boils down to is we have a trust issue.  I am not saying that we do not trust God, but rather we are disproportionately trusting in ourselves.  Nothing new under the sun when it comes to our extravagant self-trust.  You can see example after example in the Bible where individuals, with the best of intentions, figured they knew how to get things done.  Case in point, Abraham and Sarah’s decisions leading up to the birth of Ishmael in Genesis 16.  Don’t judge them too harshly, because we tend to do the exact same thing.  That is why I believe God left verses like Zechariah 4:6 for us.

“Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,” Says the Lord of hosts.

Obviously this was spoken specifically to Zerubbabel, but there is definitely a universal truth here.  Just like Zerubbabel, when we encounter obstacles in our daily lives they are best handled by the Holy Spirit.  That is not to say we take the limp glove approach and simply “let go and let God”.  God will most assuredly use, and inform, our experiences, talents, and expertise, and as such, accordingly place demands upon us.  In other words we have an active part to play.  A part grounded in faith and trust in God, such that we believe his Spirit will direct and guide us as we take life head on.  It will not be by your strength, ability, or expertise, but by God’s directing and empowering.

After the initial shock of my predicament, I chose to pray and repent.  When I finally did get out of bed – it was 4 am people – I went to God’s Word and found a few scriptures pertaining to trusting in God.  They were a helpful reminder that it is in God I place my trust, and not in my strength, or the strength of man.  I have included them (in no particular order) for your enjoyment and edification.  God bless.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.” Psalm 2:12

“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid.” Isaiah 12:2

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” Psalm 118:8

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD.” Jeremiah 17:7

“I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my  strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord,  who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:1-3

“He who trusts in his own heart is a fool….” Proverbs 28:26

“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.  In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?” Psalm 56:3

“To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You;  Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me.” Psalm 25:1-2

“And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

“Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalm 62:8

“But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Your works.” Psalm 73:28